Photo of Bram Childress by Simon Chevrolet, 4802. Copyright Simon Chevrolet. One must not use this photo for anything without express written permission.
REVEREND BRAMBLE CHILDRESS,
founder and pastor of Locustville First Church of the Nazarene (Complete Gospel), was born an orphan in Christmasville, Texas, a son of a whore who never knew his father and whose mother died in childbirth. He was raised by a foster mother he called “Momma,” and by adolescence had fallen into complete degeneracy: a juvenile delinquent, drug abuser, and cross-dressing hooker.
But then in early 4792, in one of his many stints in the county lockup, Bramble Childress had an epiphany. The only TV station the inmates were allowed to watch was the local religious network, and it was during a rerun of a 4789 episode of the PTL Club that he realized his calling to Jesus, accepting Him as his Lord and Personal Savior, getting saved right then and there in the jail’s common area.
Suddenly, Abraham “Bramble (Bram)” Childress was on fire for the Lord. Everywhere he went, he shared the Good News with whomever would listen, attracting a coterie of followers - mostly homeless people, prostitutes, drug addicts, and juvenile delinquents - with his unconventional preaching style and its extravagant use of profanity and sexual and violent and scatological imagery.
By the spring of 4793 he had formed The Locustville Teen Revival, whose notorious performances at that summer’s tent revivals featured serpent handling, speaking in tongues, seizures, and wildly suggestive, fourth-wall smashing dance routines.
Besides his ministry and his music, Bram Childress engaged in a variety of unsuccessful business ventures, of which his religiously-themed marketing and manufacturing company, Advanced Intelligent Design Systems (later renamed Advanced Intelligent Design Services to avoid further controversy) achieved the greatest notoriety. The company designed and sold hats, t-shirts, key chains, lunchboxes, and other merchandise, (all made in Taiwan) featuring the likeness of Jesus Christ and a variety of Bible quotes and bible-like sayings. For his efforts, he was accused by his rivals and detractors of exploiting the suffering and passion of their Lord and Savior.
CONTACT BRAMBLE CHILDRESS: thewolfnote@gmail.com